Pen and Ink

Thinking it through.

With just eight hours to go before the calendar turns to another year, I'm thinking about the past 12 months. What have I accomplished? What's been good and wonderful? What's been challenging?

To start this year-end reflection, let me state that there really haven't been any challenges. I've been lucky in that it's been a very good year.

In the professional side of my world, I have learned a lot and was given many new responsibilities at my work. And if you read this blog regularly, you know that I'm starting a fabulous new job Tuesday morning, one that will bring me pressures, no doubt, but many rewards.

The more important side of life -- the personal side -- has been terrific too.

I've developed some wonderful relationships with new friends. Some I knew before this year, others I just met. Jeff and Michael, Jessica, Debbie, Susan, Jose and Brian, and Gene are all wonderful additions to my life.

The year brought me opportunities to reconnect with other people in my life, specifically Drew, Christopher, and Martin. Our trip to Maine this past fall was a joy. Happily, I have been able to maintain a friendship with another important person in my life, my ex Mike. It has important to both of us that we retain civility and friendship as we transition out out of being a couple into being friends.

And since I'm naming names and not wanting to leave anyone out, Cary, Bernardo and Brian continue to be great friends. (If Cary were to read this and not see his name...well...let's just say hell hath no fury than Cary scorned!)

One other person came into my life earlier this year. John has been a source of a lot of goodness in my life. He makes me laugh, he makes me smile, he makes me happy. He's there when I need him, and gives me space when I need that too. I only hope I do the same for him.

I've also enjoyed two important leisure pursuits in the past year. The first is my love of theater. The past several years have been "dry" for me in terms of theatergoing. I was farther away from New York and frankly, didn't have any friends here to accompany me. That started to change during my 10-day trip to New York in June, when I took in three shows. Coming back to Florida, I immediately started dating to John and we now go to see something almost once a week. And then Jessica and I took the plunge and got season tickets to the Broadway in Miami series. It's been uplifting to reconnect with something I really love.

Lastly, the other pursuit has been this blog. I started it on a whim. I happened to read a blog for the first time back in May and then quickly discovered Shades of Gray. I was hooked and now here I am, almost seven months later, still at it. It's been a fascinating experience in writing, in sharing my life (mostly boring, I'm afraid). But what's been really interesting is discovering a whole other community out there.

Thank you to those who read and comment on this blog regularly including Kat, Sistah, Kev, Tom, Tuna Girl, Six, and  especially S, who's becoming a friend.

To all of you, have a wonderful, healthy and happy 2007.

Cleaning frenzy.

The end of the year is a time for renewal for many of us. We make our resolutions for the coming year, we take stock of our lives and accomplishments in the past year.

For me, I clean.

This year, for some reason, I'm even more motivated. I think it's because I'm starting a new job on Tuesday. I've not doubt I'll be good at it, but it is daunting, nonetheless. It will require lots of hours, so I'm trying to get the rest of my life organized.

Year-end cleaning for me usually starts on January 1, when I typically take down all of my Christmas decorations. But when I got from New Jersey on the 27th, I started in. I made a list of everything I wanted to get done on my time off before starting work on the 2nd. The biggest thing on the list was to clean.

So clean I did.

I started at one end of the house and went right through. I cleaned spots on carpets. I dusted. I vacuumed. I organized my candle closet, even. (Yes, I'm so friggin' gay that I have a closet dedicated to candles and things in which to hold them.)  I took down all of the Christmas decorations and reorganized how they are stored. I organized the contents of my office, which are now packed up in the back of my truck.

I paid bills and did laundry. I ran errands galore and had all of my suits dry cleaned. Busy, busy, busy.

But for the last day of 2006 and the first day of 2007, I can just do things I enjoy. I've got a whole bunch of things to write for the blog. I'm thinking about a new blog design. And I got a DVR machine from Comcast, so I'm gonna fiddle with that and figure out how it works.

Clean never felt so good.

Dancing, part two

Thanks to Six for sending me a link to a photo of Todd Michael Smith, referenced in yesterday's post. Here's the picture.

Dancing for joy.

If ever I had the chance to do any job in the world, I'd become a singer/dancer on the stage. Yeah, I know, every gay man says the same thing. So shoot me.

Putting aside the fact that I have absolutely no talent for such an occupation, I would give anything to be able to dance and sing. Not for the fame, but for the sheer joy.

Whenever I go to live theater -- musicals in particular -- I sit in awe of the people on the stage and how they pull it all together. The actors, dancers, conductor, orchestra, lighting and sound technicians. It's sheer brilliance.

I saw Hairspray again the other night. The cast was much the same as it was six months ago when I first had the opportunity to see this fun, colorful show.

The last time, my attention became focused on one of the dancers -- a guy named Todd Michael Smith -- who plays "IQ."  He's still with the show, happily. He's credited on the cast album, so I am guessing he's been with Hairspray since it opened.

Yes, for the record, he's adorable. But that's not why I'm writing about him. Both times I've seen him I've been captivated, not by his looks, but by the absolute joy he seems to get in being on the stage singing and dancing. He's energetic, a better dancer than the rest of the male chorus, and keeps a great smile on his face while he's on stage. You just know he's having the time of his life up there.

It's that joy that I would give anything to experience.

Santa shorts.

"I'm driving home from church, but you're not going to be there greeting me in Santa shorts!"

That was John's lament on the phone last night around 10 p.m. I was all snuggled up in bed, under the covers, book in hand, when he called.

Let me explain about the Santa shorts.

A couple of weeks ago I arrived at his place as he was just finishing up in the shower. I flicked on the TV in the living room awaiting him to get dressed.

Just a few minutes later he came out of his room, dressed in a t-shirt and Santa shorts. You know, like red Santa-costume pants with white fluffy trim, but these were shorts.

And silly as all get-out.

That's John. Silly and fun. Endearing in his own special way. And relentless in his badgering me to write about the Santa shorts in my blog.

Merry Christmas.

A happy and a merry.

I'm off to New Jersey for a few days to visit my family. My father's not big on internet connections, so I won't be writing for a few days. Look for a new post on December 28th.

To all of my friends and family who read pen and ink, to the new friends I have made through this blog, and to those others of you out there who might read but haven't identified yourselves to me, have a wonderful, warm, safe holiday.

Finding Christmas.

A few weeks back, I received a long email from a good friend. If was the third or fourth volley of an email exchange between the two of us. I had asked him where we was going to be for Christmas, and his response was several paragraphs about his feelings on Christmas.

Basically, he told me that he's been growing to dislike Christmas more and more -- the shopping, crowds, and the "insane societal pressure to be happy and giving." He's been distancing himself more and more, and this year he would not have a tree, send cardsor travel. He'll spend the holiday eating Chinese food and going to a movie. He'll sing with his church choir, but that's about it.

His email took me aback a little, and I didn't even respond (darlin, this post is my response to your email). But his words have been perculating in my mind ever since.

Even as I have gone about writing cards, having my tree decorating party, baking cookies, listening to Christmas music, I have been asking myself the question, "what is this all for?"

Why put up a Christmas tree? It's a lot of work and it's only going to have to come down in a couple of weeks. I decided to do tins of cookies as office presents this year, but frankly, it was hard work baking all of those things, with jelly fillings mixed with nervousness about how they would turn out (the iced M&M cookies I made for the first time just didn't work). Why do we buy all these gifts at this particular time of year.

None of this, really, has anything to do with the sacred reasons for the holiday. But I'm not particularly religious anymore, so I have to ask myself, "why?"

Just before I started writing this, I was catching up Naked Boy's blog. On Monday he had a posting, "A few of my favorite things." He talked about the foods and tastes, the scents, baking and cooking, the music, the TV specials, the good times with friends, the calmness of the week between Christmas and New Year's, and even the return to normalcy.

As I read it I thought, "Yes, I really do like all of those things too. He's right on the money."

Is the enjoyment of all those things, though, worth the effort? My wrists had all sorts of scrapes that came from fluffing my artificial Christmas tree (unlike Naked Boy, I just don't do a real tree down here). My back was killing me dragging all the stuff out of the attic. I felt pressured to have Christmas cookies come out just right. It took hours to get the outside lights just right.  My hands were tired when I was done writing out all the cards.

Perhaps the season is a time to just think and act differently. A time to stop, or at least slow down, and enjoy life (the pressures aside).

Maybe there's a simpler way of doing it. The best part of putting up the tree was having close friends around doing it with me. The best part of making the cookies was sampling them.

I feel like Charlie Brown asking the question, "Will someone please show me the real meaning of Christmas."

For me, it may just be the slowing down, the enjoyment of music, the experiential gifts I wrote about yesterday...just taking time to enjoy life and the relationships that make it special.

Maybe next year, I'll forgo the tree and the cards. I'll just put out some red candles (candle addict that I am) for some festive color. I'll concentrate on good times with friends, going to Christmas concerts, and just slowing down for a couple of weeks.

To a non-religious person, perhaps that is the real meaning of Christmas.

Enough with the stuff.

Shopping for Christmas presents just gets more and more difficult each year. I'm not talking about the crowds, traffic and parking. Rather, I'm questioning the whole point of the exercise.

Yesterday afternoon, after leaving work early on my last day, I stopped by Dadeland Mall in Miami, intent on seeing if Macy's was having any sales on men's clothing (I need some wardrobe infusions for my new job). Walking through the store, I couldn't help noticing the tables of wallets, slippers, ugly costume jewelry, boxes of Godiva chocolate, and the cheesy "executive toys."

Who buys this crap?  Who even wants to receive it?

While I did buy some wrappable-put-under-the-tree types of gifts this year, more and more, I'm favoring what I call "experiential gifts."

It started with my nieces and nephew. All three (now ages 8, 10 and 12) have been brought up by their parents to enjoy reading. My nephew, especially, is one to stay up until all hours with a flashlight reading book after book.  A couple of years ago, I decided rather than buying more toys or clothing they wouldn't care about, I would get them gift cards to Barnes & Noble. Why not let them indulge in something they really like?

But the gift came with a catch. I had to go shopping with them. Not so I could approve or disapprove of what they were selecting, but so that it would be something we experience together. Living such a long distance away, my time with them each year is limited, and I want us all to remember the time that we do share.

It's become a tradition now. Barnes & Noble, then lunch. I'm looking forward to doing it again on Tuesday.

This year, I've expanded my "experiential giving." As part of John's Christmas present, he got to see Dirty Rotten Scoundrels and a live performance last night of The Messiah. Of course there's presents under the tree for him too (I won't tell you what they are just in case he reads this posting in the next couple of hours before we have our Christmas).

My sister and brother-in-law (the ones with the kids) are getting an experiential gift too, albeit without me. With three kids and a tough job (my brother-in-law is a firefighter), they rarely get time out by themselves. So for Christmas, they get a date night: dinner and a movie.

Kathy, my other sister, really needs nothing, so she, too, gets an experiential gift. We're spending the day after Christmas together in New York City, seeing the tree at Rockefeller Center, viewing the windows on Fifth Avenue, prowling through Macy's Herald Square (she has no choice), and early dinner. We'll cap off the day by taking in Hairspray on Broadway (she got to pick any show she wanted).

For Cary and Brian, my closest friends here in Florida, I got a couple of things for them to open. But frankly, the best present will be tonight when the four of us -- just the four of us -- meet up at their place for cocktails and then go off to dinner together. It's the time we spend together tonight that will be the best gift.

As I grow older, I find that the "things" we give and get are not merely as important as our relationships with those we give to and get from. That, in the end, is what Christmas really should be about.

Bittersweet moments.

Today is my last day at my current job. As I've written before, I was offered an amazing opportunity at another college in Miami. So off I go.

In my professional world of fundraising, I generally don't leave a job or an institution before I feel like I've completed what I set out to do. I'm a bit of a fundraising entrepreneur, you see. I start or fix fundraising departments. (In my current position, I was hired to build a program within a larger department).

This is the first time, though, that I'm leaving a place before I really feel ready. I love the university and I work with some terrific people. So my departure is bittersweet.

It's been gratifying to receive some of the kind words that have been sent my day. Not the hollow "we're going to miss you's" that most people receive when they leave a job. No, I'm talking about some heartfelt conversations with people, telling me what I really mean to our team and what my departure signifies. One person called me a "glue stick" in our department.

I'm rather rambling here, and I'm not sure what the point of this post is. Perhaps there is no point. I'm just talking about what's going on today.

Anyway, I'm headed into work in a few minutes to basically pack my office, take care of a few odds and ends, and have some chocolate cake with my colleagues and my friends. I'm going to miss this team. But I hope that several of them will, in short order, be joining me in my new department (I get to hire a whole team of people!).

And most wonderfully, several of my colleagues have already transcended friend-at-work status to true-friend-outside-work level. It's rare to have that really happen, so I'm really blessed that it's happened with several people.

Merry Christmas to me.

So I bought myself a Christmas present the other night.

My home study doesn't have a sound system, save the speakers in my laptop. Which really aren't very good. And considering I download a lot of music and listen through my computer, I thought it was time for some better sound quality.

Off I went to Best Buy and picked up one of those nifty Bose SoundDock systems for the iPod. In a lovely shade of black, which of course matches my desk and the carpeting.

The sound is simply amazing.  So I'm happy with my Christmas present to myself.

I think everyday should be Christmas day, don't you?