Pen and Ink

I love to cry at weddings.

"Tomorrow when you say "I do," I'll die.  I'm almost ashamed to tell you why...I love to cry at weddings, how I love to cry at weddings. I walk into a chapel and get happily hysterical. The ushers and attendants, the family dependents, I see them and I start to sniff. Have you an extra handkerchief?  And all through the service, while the bride and groom look nervous, tears of joy are streaming down my face.  I love to cry at weddings, anybody's wedding.  Any time, any where, any place."

"I Love to Cry at Weddings," from Sweet Charity, lyrics by Dorothy Fields.

This is a strange study of opposites. My opinions make no sense, but so be it.

Generally speaking, I eschew weddings. I just don't like them. All the frou-frou seems silly and ridiculous.  Those bridesmaids are never going to wear those dresses again, and what is it with the throwing of the bouquet anyway?  The money that some of these couples put out is just insane. And for what?  A 50% divorce rate?

Yet, whenever I find myself at a wedding, I want to cry.

This weekend Andy and I attended his niece's nuptials.  I started to choke up just seeing the groom walk his mother down the aisle. Thankfully I didn't really break down. (It was only my third official event with Andy's exceedingly large Cuban family, and as one of just two gringoes (the groom being the other), I want to fit in.)

The dichotomy of my thoughts and actions continues.

As a gay "community," we've been promoting for marriage rights for years. It's never been a big issue for me, as I think the strategy of marriage vs. some other legal structure wasn't necessarily the way to go. But it is what it is. 

Plus I've never had any desire to get married myself.  I don't need a government agency or religious institution to validate my relationship.

But on the other hand...

I'm getting married on May 21.

Go figure.

* * * * * 

Even though I don't like all the trappings of weddings, as the bride was walking down the aisle this past weekend, I thought, "If I was walking down the aisle like this, I'd want the wedding march from The Sound of Music playing.

* * * * * 

I tried to find a good YouTube clip of "I Love to Cry at Weddings" from the last revival of Charity, but no luck. But for your viewing enjoyment, watch this clip of Bebe Neuwirth singing "I'm a Brass Band" from Charity (she was in the 1980s revival of the show, incidentally).

 

I could never retire.

We have all heard people say, "Oh, I could never retire. I don't know what I would do with myself." How many times made that statement yourself?

It occurred to me this morning, while sitting at my kitchen counter with a bowl of Special K and the Times, that yes, I certainly could retire.  Glancing at the clock at precisely 8:20, I realized that if I was still had my former job, I would be at my desk right now (probably reading the Times, but still...).

But there I was, in my lounging pants and t-shirt, relishing a leisurely stroll through the morning's paper. I was actually take the time to read the coverage and analysis of last night's State of the Union Address. I could enjoy taking in all of Mark Bittman's final "Minimalist" column in the Dining section.

Of course, I am not retired, nor am I even remotely close to even be able to dream about what that must really be like.

But working for myself these past few months, I've gotten a glimpse of retirement life. There are days when I'm swamped with work. There are others that I fret over how and when this fledgling business will be stablized.

Regardless of the type of day, at least right now, I enjoy a bit of what retirement might be like.

I can take my dog for a walk at 12:30 in the afternoon.  

I can schedule a meeting with the amazing dean of the School of Education at a nearby university as part of some probono work I am doing.

I can even contemplate taking a 10 a.m. yoga class (as I was doing this morning until writing this blog post seemed more important (there's always the 6 p.m. class to consider)).

Working for myself is allowing me to think very differently about my life.

Previously, my life was compartmentalized: work, volunteer activities, house projects, socializing, and a few scraps of time to pursue leisurely interests.  

But now I can interweave many aspects of life.  Pro bono contributions (planning a conference for non-profit leaders) can enhance the business. I can read and think about things like civic engagement and find a way to weave them into ideas for my clients.  I can do laundry while writing a development plan for my community college client. 

It's true that I don't yet have as much business as I need, so I know the flow of day-to-day life will change. 

But if this is a hint of what retirement could be like, bring it!

Betwixt and between.

It's the second day of the new year and I'm thinking about one of my resolutions: a resolution about the future of this blog.

Last week, snowed in at my parents' house during the Blizzard of 2010, I thought about the blog and got all revved up to revamp and revive it.

Over the last couple of days, the pendulum has swung the other way and I put on my never-ended "to-do" list to contact TypePad and cancel my account.

But tonight, taking some time at the end of a restful day, I started reading a couple of blogs. Some new ones that I found, along with a couple of my favorites from my blog roll.

So now I'm still in a muddle.  "Well, maybe."

There are still things I find interesting and want to share. Yes, but I can do that on my Facebook page for all 347 of my friends. 

Sometimes, I want to do some lengthier writing, work that I want to share. The blog is useful for that.

"What if you make a goal of writing once a week?" I ask myself.

Hmmm...maybe.

The other conundrum is Facebook itself and it's relationship to this blog.

There are two issues. First, I only have about five or six readers, other than the spambots that keep posting comments to the years-old post "Chelsea Boy."  (I'm going to have to delete the blog post.)  I really don't have the time to build an audience. 

(There's so much going on in my life that I haven't written about: I could fill a month of blog posts with all that!)

The other issue is whether or not to connect the blog to Facebook. My FB friends list is a wide representation of my past and my present, my personal and my professional.  Do I want all those people to see what's in my mind?

At the moment, the pendulum is swinging slightly toward keeping the blog and linking to Facebook.

So, my dear readers (Steven, Alan, Bandit, Kevin, Tuna Girl, Tom -- you still with me???), what do you think I should do?

Customer service.

In setting up my new business, I'm trying to do what needs to be done without spending a lot of money. So I'm learning a lot.

I taught myself how to design a website using iWeb. Then I figured out how to buy stock photography. And then, ever impressed with myself, I bought a domain name and email addresses.  

Looking at the email invoice from GoDaddy.com, I realized that I had accidentally bought two email packages.  Mine is a small company, so I really don't need 10 email addresses.

Returning something from an internet company is not going to be easy, I told myself.

 GoDaddy had a 24/7 telephone support number readily posted on the site.  OK, good start.

I called the number on a Sunday afternoon, and only had to wait in queue for about four minutes for a customer service representative.

A woman named Desiree came on the line, verified that I was who I was purporting to be, and then asked how she could help.

Strange, I thought. I don't detect an Indian accent.

I explained to Desiree what I had done and she looked at my invoice and confirmed my mistake. 

"That's no problem," she said.  "I can credit you right now."

Wow!

While she was processing the refund, she inquired if I needed help activating my domain name.

She went on to help me step by step to set it up, make it link to my MobileMe account. And then we took care of the email addresses.

I was so taken aback and delighted with the service. She didn't even try to sell me anything else.

You Go Daddy!

New year, new start.

My dear friend Susan reminded me that it's now 5771, a new year on the Jewish calendar.

"It's a new year with a new start," she told me, as I relayed the details of my "resignation meeting" with my boss.

I'm only an honorary Jew, but I will take the new year's celebration nonetheless.

Today is sorta the first day of my new life, even though I have a few more weeks of work at the old job. To start off the new life, I had a wee-touch of insomnia. Not bad...I slept most of the night.  But I woke up around 5 a.m., which is highly unusual for me.

 

My dear dog, Dior, has a special sense about me. He can tell when I'm awake.  And boy, does he ever take advantage of it.

So out of bed I got at 5:30 at Dior's insistence.  As with every morning, I took him for a pee and a poop. But this morning, in the pre-dawn calmness of my neighborhood, I decided to treat him to a walk around the neighborhood.

I have to say, it was really nice enjoying the quiet darkness. Maybe there's something to this.

As we walked together, I thought about changes that I can make in my life now that I will be my own boss and won't have to adhere to anyone's schedule (other than whatever client demands I have to balance).

"What can I get done in early morning hours?" I pondered.

I'd already decided that I will start working out in the mornings with Andy, rather than my evening training sessions.  

I could also blog. What a novel concept!

By the way, it's 6:30 a.m. EDT.

What do you mean, no Diet Coke?

Last week I did something that I never do at work: I nearly ripped a colleague a new asshole. The particulars aren't that interesting, but I open this posting by mentioning it because it points to my state of mind last week and the fact that I was desperate for a vacation.

So here I am, writing this while staring out at the Pacific Ocean in Playa la Barqueta, a remote beach in Panama. Andy and I, along with our friends Bernardo and Greg, and new friends Tom and Todd from Palm Springs, rented a gorgeous "villa" right on the beach. There's nothing around us except for some other houses and a so-called resort (here, it's a resort; at home it would be closed).  We're so remote that it took Bernardo and I five stops at various little bodegas (loosely called such, as these places make NYC bodegas look like Dean & Delucas) just to find some Diet Coke.  

It's been such a peaceful vacation. We planned our meals in advance (the nearest grocery is at least 30 minutes away), and have taken turns cooking amazing meals. Indian one night, Italian the next, followed by Mediterranean, a "white trash barbeque" theme, and tonight's make your own pizza format. We've walked the black sandy beaches, gone kayaking, had massages and our own yoga class, and taken a day trip to Boquete, about an hour's drive.  We've read books and watched DVDs.  And slept.  I think I've taken at least one nap every day that I've been here.

Today's our last day here in Playa la Barqueta; tomorrow we head back to Cerro Azul to Bernardo and Greg's home in the mountains about an hour outside Panama City.  

This is the beach where we are staying.

Our part of the beach. The waves here are dramatic. You can't go too far into the ocean; the undertow here is strong.

Lots more to write about...stay tuned.

Now where was I?

What was I saying when we were so rudely interrupted? 

Yes, I'm back.  Can't say for how long, but I've got a series of posts in my head. I really do miss the blog.  I was tempted to take this site down, but I think it was Tuna Girl who encouraged me not do unplug it.  So I'm glad I didn't.

Two things helped nudge me back.  I was talking to my friend S. a couple of weeks ago.  (He found me on Skype, so now we can chat as much as we want without long distance cell phone charges.) 

"You've disappeared off my feed."  

Yes, I suppose I had.  

Then last week I received an email from Ethan at Shades of Gray telling me that he'd returned to his blog after three years.  (Now I don't feel so bad for being gone for three months).  It's great to see his writing again; he was the inspiration for my blog.

(Oh wow -- I just realized as I'm writing that my own blog is four years old.  How cool!)

So here I am.  I went back to my last post to see what I can update.  The TV show is still on hold until the fall, and I'm not so sure that I will be affiliated with it. My involvement with the overall project at work has diminished a bit. It's OK.  I'm working on tons of other things. But who knows?  I might still get to do the show.

Vacation to Panama is just seven weeks away. I can't wait. The pictures of the house we are renting on the Pacific are just beautiful.  Now I have seven weeks to lose a few pounds. I'm gonna try the Special K diet. And Cary and I are going to start walking early every morning.

My trip to Chicago was intellectually stimulating, but damn, it was cold.  I arrived there to snow showers. In March. Not my idea of fun.  But I just love Chicago, so I was happy to be there.

Now, onto some new thoughts.

Generally speaking, I don't watch reality or contest shows like Idol or Dancing. But Andy is into Idol, so I've been compelled to keep track of it.  This week's finale was surprising. For the second year in a row, the runner up should have been the winner.  Lee Dewyze is a bore (a writer for the Miami Herald suggested that he looks brain dead on stage) and a dime a dozen. Crystal Bowersox, however, is different.  I love her voice (Andy is playing her music on the iPad as I write this).  She's going to have a big career; Lee...I suspect that will be another story.  I mean really, does anyone even think of Kris Allen?  The only time you see him is when they trot him out on the show.

And speaking of Idol, I really loved seeing Hall & Oates the other night. I've been a fan for years.

Well, the pool is calling my name. It's nearly 10 p.m. and the backyard is absolutely peaceful. A float on the pool is in order.

I'll write some more tomorrow.  I've got some political and religious rants inside me. And I want to share my thoughts on what I believe is the best show on tv: The Good Wife.

Until then.

This and that.

Some random tidbits of the day:

Bring it on

On Friday I spent a couple of hours working with JR, the director of the culinary school at work. As we finished brainstorming the start-up marketing plan, we took in the colorful flip charts on the wall. We reflected about what an insane year it is going to be.  For him, there's an inordinate amount of work, with virtually no staff, that he has to do to open the school.  For me, it's a mile-long list of work-related projects, along with the addition of the tv show, two boards I am being invited onto, and a continuation on my homeowners board (what am I thinking??).

"Bring it on!" John exclaimed.

He stated, "I find that the more I have to do, the more I can accomplish."

Visual thinker that I am, I took a marker and wrote "Bring it on!" on the large white board in my office.  I kinda like his attitude.

It's just so wrong

Last night, Andy and I went to dinner with Cary and Neal to J. Alexander's in Fort Lauderdale.  Andy's put himself on a really controlled diet and Cary, Neal and I...well...let's just say we need to do it too. 

J. Alexander's is right next to a Krispy Kreme, and as we parked, Andy commented that he had never had a Krispy Kreme donut.  Well, darlin', that ain't right.

So we decided that diets or no, we would treat ourselves to a donut after dinner.

After leaving the restaurant, we went next door, drawn by the "Hot Donuts" sign that was illuminated (never a good thing!).  Well, what happened next wasn't too pretty. 

Because we couldn't decide what varieties we each wanted, we ordered a box of the damn things.  Yes, that's right.  A dozen donuts and four of us.  You do the math.

In just an hour

On Saturday, Andy and I painted our living room and part of the entry hall (it's a very open space, so it's really all together.)

We easily settled on the paint color and went off to Benjamin Moore to get the paint.

They have a new line called Aura.  It's wicked expensive (as we say in New England), but it dries in just an hour. An hour!  Well worth the money.  We got the room done (not a huge space in terms of square footage, but the walls go 15 feet up!) in an afternoon.  I felt so good about that.

And I must say that it was really wonderful doing this project with Andy -- we are so compatible and work well together on projects like this.  I'm used to doing all the painting myself (my ex was good at so many things around the house, but I couldn't let him near a paint roller), so having someone to work with was a joy.

Kelly or Ed?

The other day I dropped the news that I will be co-hosting a television show (S commented, "You're all giddy, aren't you?")

Well, details about the format became a little clearer on Friday. It looks like it will be a talk-show type of format, with banter between host and co-host, and all sorts of segments on many topics related to the culinary arts. And it will be done with touches of humor, which is befitting our personalities.  It will be cool; we don't think there's anything else like it.

So I will be the co-host, kinda like Kelly to Regis, or Ed to Johnny.

We're still looking at a launch in May and will be meeting with the producer soon. 

S is right, I have to admit. I'm all giddy.

New projects for a new year.

There's something about the start of a new year that makes me want to change things around the house. Perhaps it's about new beginnings. 

I have two projects on the agenda.  The living room is being completely re-done and we're creating a new study.

We moved our living room furniture into other parts of the house to make room for Cary's stuff when he moved in.  But he never actually moved in, only his stuff.  His stuff is in the process of moving out and into his new bf's house.

So we've decided to do over the living room. I should tell you that the room that houses the living room was actually designed to be the dining room. An extremely small dining room.  After my ex moved out, I switched the living room and dining room.

The former dining room, with its 15 foot ceilings, was painted charcoal gray. It looked great with the dining room furniture that I used to have. Now we're repainting it a dark khaki color, which will look great with the burgundy drapes that are currently hanging and will remain.

New furniture arrives next Friday: two love seats in a lighter beige color. They will face each other with a small coffee table we already have.  And since there is electricity where the dining room chandelier once hung, we've purchased a pendant lamp from West Elm that will hang pretty low over the coffee table.

Cary's former (never quite) bedroom will become a study.  It feels like de ja vu, as it was less than a year ago that I did over the other bedroom to be my study.  But that's now the guest room, so we're making a new study.

The room was painted off white before Cary's stuff arrived, and we hung dark brown, wooden blinds. Very masculine.

My glass L shaped desk, currently in the attic, will stay there. We've bought a dining table from City Furniture, which will serve as a desk. Two burgundy wing chairs, currently in storage, will become our desk chairs.  And two books cases, built by my father when I was a kid, will be refinished into a darker stain.  And I will add a floor-to-ceiling blackboard, something I planned for last year's study, but never got around to buying.

Ancillary projects will ensue, including redoing the closet in the study into storage shelves, instead of typical closet fixtures.

This is gonna be a quicky project though. Furniture is arriving a week from today, so painting of the living room gets done this weekend, and I will begin refinishing the book cases this week.

I'll post pictures when I'm done. Wish me luck.